Day 1:
1) Something you hate about yourself (Ya this is one of the ones I don't like)
Um...Well I think and have found that everyone has SOMETHING they hate about themselves. Doesn't matter what their childhood or adult life is like they always hate something. Some hate more parts and more serious things but everyone hates something. Enough procrastinating though.
I hate how I always jump to the negative ESPECIALLY in social situations. I am a very positive person by nature and cant STAND it when people are pessimistic about life. I just don't understand how they can live life always thinking/expecting the worst. So how can I jump to the negative and be an optimist? I guess it is mostly in social situations. An awkward hello or goodbye can lead me thinking that the friendship is over and I have lost another friend. And awkward hello's and goodbyes happen ALL the time. I often feel very socially awkward which causes awkward situations and me to doubt what actually happened and think of the worst. Most of my friendships haven't really worked. I would try to have friends when I was young and would get teased about every little thing, so I would try harder which lead to more teasing and me finally pulling away believing that there was something wrong with me.
Don't get me wrong, I have had a few friends and those people were absolute angels for putting up with me but outside of those select few (I can count on my hand) I had no one. Now I never minded having so few actual friends but it would have been nice to at least have people be nice to me like I was with them. Because even talking to people outside of my friends caused so much teasing and mocking and hell I stopped. I quickly learned that talking to people outside of my friends does not end well and it is safer not to do it.
This has definitely affected me in my adult life. At work I am always more cautious then one would hope I am, I have been trained to be an introvert socially...especially with meeting new people. How do I deal with the customers since I have to approach them? I over do it, I fake it all the time. I become the perkiest, most outgoing person there is and pray it works and it does every time. As I get to know the guests (especially with our monthlies) I start to calm down a bit and not fake it and they dont notice because I am naturally, among people I know and trust, perky and outgoing. I just have to fake it to new people and pray they don't make fun of me.
With making new friends? Well I have failed in that department basically. I like Brian's friends but they are Brian's friends. Most of the time that they are here I don't say anything except laugh since it is always a hoot. I have only recently started to actually join in and we have been dating well over 3 years. I met Caroline, and through Caroline, Allyson through work and they are my only true friends here with me. I have been in MB for over 4 years now and have only come up with 2 people. I go and do things to make friends, but people just don't want to be friends with me. I did curves hoping to meet people, I did gymnastics in hopes to meet people, I went to a gym in hopes to meet people, I tried joining 2 sororities and they didnt want me, I played rugby to try to make friends and that didnt work. I always go and try but it never works.
If I am going to be honest and truthful in all this the reason I ALWAYS jump to on why these things just never work for me? There has to be something wrong with me. Kids tease for no reason, sometimes, but when you become an adult and other adults start teasing and mocking you, there has to be a reason. There has to be a reason that no one wants to be my friend and the only constant is me. Maybe I said something wrong? Maybe I did something wrong? Maybe forgetting to take my shoes off at the door caused it. Maybe I laughed at the wrong spot or didnt laugh. They ALL can't be wrong so there really must be something wrong with me. It is because of this that I tend to avoid social situations, I don't need the anxiety it causes because of me being afraid of messing up again and ruining a chance to have some friends.
So I hate the fact that I can't seem to get over the social awkwardness which causes me to think negatively about that situation and of myself. I know there really has to be something wrong with everyone in the world for so many people to not want to be my friend or be able to look over my quirks that are more like battle scars of me trying to be social and having it backfire in my face. I know that I am a good person and there is no reason why someone would not want to be friends with me. I was raised correctly, one of the few that were, I am open minded and understanding. I am a great listener and love to laugh. There is very little in this world that I find boring and if I am with someone I like/trust I am up for trying anything. But as it stands, outside of Caroline, Allyson, Nicole and the Horsemen and a FEW select friends from home I am friendless no matter what I do or try.
And to all those that have ignored an awkward hello/goodbye, looked over an awkward hug that I thought was expected at that moment, turned a blind eye to stuttering due to me trying to figure out mid sentence if what I wanted/was saying was the right thing, thank you. The social issues I have are not permanent, it is no disorder just a side affect of years of constant teasing and mocking by people of all ages. A lot of my...quirks...happen when I try to fight my instinct to shut out people and not try to have friends.
The more people who treat me like a normal human being, the better I get. Case in point: Caroline. I am SOOOOO not the same girl I was when Caroline hired me. When she hired me, I was quiet to the point of mousy. VERY shy, VERY scared of saying the wrong thing and A) ruining possible friendships and B) ruining a sale that would cost me my job, VERY weary of talking to anyone. At the time I did not have my support system I had relied on all throughout college or my friend from High School. I faked it ALL the time and most of the time my faking it did not work as well as it does now. Caroline saw through all of it and saw me, somehow. And with her help and support I started to get over some of my insecurities about social situations. And then I met Allyson who only confirmed what her Mom was saying. With their help, they have NO IDEA what they have done, I am not the same girl (I know I should say woman but I dont know if I will ever be a woman, Lady? forget that ;)) I was before. I still have a ways to go and I don't know if I will ever lose my "battle scars" and this will be something I fight with every day but I am in a much better place then I was before. I am starting to truly not give a darn if they do find me weird and cant look past the little social quirks I have reminiscent of the teasing and see the real me. (The quirks tend to disappear the second someone is nice to me in return).
That got WAY long...oops
2) A photo of me today....
I kept my hair down but can't find my brush :-\
Wow...this seems like it is a really great outlet for your thoughts.
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